22 June 2011
As I post this entry, the clock on my laptop reads 2:30 PM. 5 more days before 27 June. Its going to be 6 months the last time I met my love in
Nothing much changes. Academic wise, I still have few steps to climb to get a degree; with few options. All I need is 4 years (hopefully 2.5 years for advance standing). I should ask myself what kind of degree I would like to get. Honours Degree? Just a Degree with lousy grades? 1st Class or 2nd Class Upper Degree? They are going to write an appeal letter for me to enter NTU, Insyaallah hopefully it’s going to be successful. But of course, I shouldn't be complaining too loudly. After all, my CAP isn’t fantastic and I graduated with an only a Diploma. If I were ever to retake a Diploma, I’ll make sure to attain Diploma in XXX(other than Chemical Engineering) with Merit.
As for the man…I have been with him for almost 4 yearsJ Truth is…It’s my first relationship in my life. I have never been in relationship. No man has ever been able to steal my heart. Though, I don’t really see what’s so good about it that anyone would want to steal it.
The person whom I thought was THE man, still living in his past…
And I’ll admit it: my heart took a bit of a pounding what I gazed upon their Friendster,facebook, HP’s contact,Outgoing calls especially their profile as well as the photo they took together. It’s all there for me to see: the words ‘walaupun kita sudah putus, I will always stand by you’ (she will never forget his birthday, celebrating in the swimming pool, Nova updated him about her father death. Well, as much as I’ve gotten over his past and trying to let go of him, a part of me still does have feelings for him.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m jealous of your past girls or anything. If anything, the girls seem to be a beautiful, lovely and really nice women, and I’m sure that they’ll take good care of you. The previous 5 have won your heart, its sort of the best man wins and I guess in this case, those girls were the better women. I hope you do understand why I do still have some fond feelings for you.
I just hope that you have indeed found your happiness….and that I will be able to find my own happiness someday.
It’s not that I’m in a rush to get married with a former athlete/coach. I first know him as a normal-next-door guy (not athlete)…
I don’t find long distance relationship as a problem or hassle.
Rather, as much as I’m a loner, most of the time it can be hard on me to walk this path alone.
Without someone to share my joy with when I’m happy and without someone to share my sorrow when I’m not. I feel empty. I feel…incomplete.
Well, here I am feeling that.. There are other girls or his past in his heart and he is sharing it with me. I am getting all whiny and weepy once again. Its comforting and tearing me apart. I’m not trying to rant here, and do forgive me if I seem to be doing so. It’s just natural for everyone to want more out of his life, no matter how fulfilling it may seem to be.
What I can spare for myself… I hardly know what the future has in store for me. But I can’t really see what’s ahead of me either, if I keep looking back.
Come what may, I won’t be afraid to face it. I won’t.
Love AIshah